Archive | November, 2013

It’s Time You Let Go…

22 Nov

WOW….the messages this week have been sooooo strong….possibly leading me in a different direction….

Today, Cheri, we believe God wants you to know that …

It’s time you let go.

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, – it’s all in God’s hands, – has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

What are you holding on too???? Me…..I don’t know anymore…family, friends, relationships, jobs, dreams, my insecurities…only GOD knows…he knows what I need and what I don’t need. All I know is that I need to have more “faith in being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

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Trusting Again…

12 Nov

Trusting Again
Written By: Cheri Coleman
11-12-2013

Trusting again…a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something
How do you know when you are ready to trust again?
I believe that I am ready when I can be my true authentic self with the person that I love…
And they can be their true authentic self with me…
Why are we afraid to trust?
I know for me…there have been so many hurts, betrayals, and uncertainties
Or could it just be my own insecurities?
What are you afraid of?
Me…I am afraid of being hurt…I am afraid of not measuring up…I am afraid of being judged
You…are afraid of the same…
Trusting again….how does one begin to trust?
Faith is a big part of trust…
Without faith, there is no trust…
When you fall in love, there is faith and there is trust…
Love is trusting…that the other person has your best interest at heart
Love is trusting…that your past is your past, it is not who you are today
Love is trusting…when you can be together and do absolutely nothing!
Trusting again… a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

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Copyright 2013 © Cheri Coleman

12 Things About Me…

12 Nov

I liked a friends FB status, and she assigned me a number (12). So here are 12 things you may not know about me.

1. I collect SMILEY Faces!
2. I write poetry – and will be publishing my first book soon!!!
3. I will be going back to school – JKF University in 2014 to complete my Psychology Degree!
4. I am the founder of the FB Page Just say NO to Toxic Relationships
5. I have the most amazing kids!!! Matt and Melissa Ritter!
6. I would love to be self-employed some day!
7. I collect quotes! – I have over 60 pages and growing!!!
8. I must have chapstick in my pocket every day!
9. I love to walk!
10. I am a cancer survivor
11. I am a survivor of domestic violence
12. I want to encourage and inspire women all over the world and educate them on how to leave a toxic relationship and remain positive thru the journey!

I would LOVE to hear your feedback! What are 12 things about you?????? Please, feel free to share!!

HUGS ~ Cheri

14 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

1 Nov

14 signs of a healthy relationship
Would we recognise a healthy relationship if we saw one?
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What does a healthy relationship look like? Would we recognise one when we see one? On TV the possibilities seem to be either the laugh-a-minute ones or the ones consisting of endless drama. Things are, however, very different in real life.

“The media has a tendency to portray extremes – either very happy couples in comedies or very unhappy and intense couples in dramas. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle,” says psychologist Ilse Terblanche. “It is unlikely that any one couple will be miserable or screeching with laughter 100% of the time.”

So what are the signs of a healthy relationship?

Giving space. Those in healthy relationships are not clingy or overly dependent and they can give each other space in which to do their own thing. This doesn’t mean that they don’t do anything together – on the contrary. But they don’t feel they have to be at each other’s sides like heart lung machines. And they don’t watch every move of their partner jealously. They are happy in themselves and don’t need to get constant minute-by-minute approval, but they give support when it is called for.

Positive input. Couples who are happy together give each other emotional support and they don’t put each other down in front of friends or family. They discuss the problems they may have in private and don’t use social gatherings to air their grievances. There are few things less attractive than a husband or wife making cutting or damaging remarks to their spouse in front of others. Do this, and be prepared for a social life that grinds to a halt.

Quiet times together. Happy couples do not need to talk to each other constantly. They can be quiet together as well – reading, pottering around the house or whatever, happy in the knowledge that the other person is around, albeit quietly.

Equal sharing of tasks/responsibility. This is a huge one. If the major portion of the housework or the responsibility for the children and the household falls on one person, there is a problem. If only one of the spouses has a fulltime job, it is only fair that the lion’s share of the household tasks be done by the other spouse. But in many cases, they both work full-time, yet one person still assumes more or less total responsibility for the household. Healthy couples do not function in this way.

Sense of humour. If a couple can laugh together, chances are that they will stay together for a long time. It also means they have a similar outlook on life, and similar values and perceptions. No couple on earth can always agree with each other on everything – that is simply impossible, but a couple that can laugh, knows how to diffuse tension.

Enjoy socialising. Isolation is always a bad sign. Of course, it’s different if you’ve just moved to a new place, but couples who don’t take trouble over friendships or who don’t make an effort to see people regularly, are probably not very happy. Very jealous spouses will often try and isolate their partner from friends and family. If this happens, danger lights should begin flashing. If couples enjoy each other’s company, they will more than likely enjoy seeing friends together as well.

Good sex life. What constitutes a good sex life is anyone’s guess – different strokes for different folks, so to speak. But the essential thing is that the couple themselves has to be happy with it. Open communication about sex is essential – if a couple can do this, there is little that will be able to destroy their relationship.

Joint financial responsibility. This does not necessarily mean that each of the spouses has to contribute an equal amount, but it does mean that each spouse takes on a share of responsibility. This implies that neither of them will go out and buy designer clothes or golf clubs when the family is in financial trouble. A family is a unit and should function in that way – if it doesn’t, chances are there are other serious problems as well.

Respect. This is both respect for one another, for the children and for other family members – whether you particularly like them or not. Yes, respect is mostly something that needs to be earned, but if you show no respect for your spouse or other family, you can hardly expect them to show respect for you. Respect implies giving space, respecting work commitments, respecting friendships and having basic respect for the other person as a separate human being with hopes, fears, dreams and desires.

Having fun together. Enjoying time together is essential for any good relationship. Having fun doesn’t necessarily mean spending a lot of money. Two people can have fun walking in the park, having a cup of coffee, reading to each other, playing with the children. But if a couple can enjoy things together, the relationship has good long-term prospects.

Good listening skills. If your spouse asks you how you are, but does not listen to your answer, there’s a problem. If your spouse chatters non-stop, like a caged bird, your relationship could also be in trouble, because you would learn to switch off for your own self-preservation. Good listening skills are essential in any relationship, because a good listener will be able to access the underlying feelings to the words someone says. And most important of all, remember what the other person is saying.

United front to the children. Happy couples do not use the children to manipulate each other, or allow the children to manipulate them or let the children play them off against each other. A united front is important, as children very quickly sense when there is uncertainty in one of the parents regarding the application of certain rules, and they will abuse that. It is also important to minimise arguing in front of the children and the children need to see physical signs of affection like hugs.

Good conflict resolution skills. Your spouse has asked his/her parents to dinner on your birthday and you had a romantic candlelit dinner in mind. Or your spouse has spent money meant for the service on the car on a painting for the lounge – without consulting you. No relationship is without its conflicts, unless one of the two people has given up completely on retaining any form of individuality. But happy couples deal with conflict in a meaningful way. That is, a way in which t gets resolved and doesn’t harden into insoluble resentments that stretch over decades.

Room to grow. Happy couples accept that people and their personalities and interests are not static. People change and their interests can also change over time. Happy couples allow each other the space within which this can happen. Unhappy couples try and pin someone down into a predictable and unchanging pattern.

http://www.health24.com/Syndication/Xtra-magazine-content/14-signs-of-a-healthy-relationship-20120721

My 3 Year Anniversary…Leaving My Toxic Marriage!

1 Nov

3 years ago TODAY, I left my toxic marriage of 6 years! This was the final time that I was going to leave. It took me 6 times to break the cycle and leave for good!!! I remember each time that I left…the first time (right after our 1st anniversary) I moved out w/the help of my kids and friends while “he” was at work. I stayed with a friend for 3 weeks, only to go back…boy did I ever feel guilty on so many levels. “He” had a way of letting me know that “he” would change….of course I loved him and fell for it. MISTAKE!!!!! Things were ok for a while, but the old patterns and habits returned and it was slightly worse.

I left a 2nd time again always around our anniversary…hmmmmmm…this time I went to San Diego and stayed w/my sister…again I was gone for about 3 weeks. During this time, I was trying to wrap my head around everything and trying to understand how I got myself into such a horrible situation. My sister, was able to obtain a scholarship for me to attend a Women’s Retreat thru her church. That was a turning point for me. Here I am going to a retreat to hopefully find answers to my situation only to learn that I needed to “go back” and make it work. Now mind you my sister DID not agree with me, however, the message I received was VERY STRONG and I did not want to disappoint GOD…so I went back AGAIN.

Well this pattern continued on, I go back, things would be fine for awhile and once again, they turned for the worse and I noticed, each time that I left, I had to be sneakier and sneakier and I did not like that at all. I had to lie to protect myself…he ALWAYS knew somehow that I was planning to leave again….no matter how much I tried to remain “normal.” The 3rd time I left, I got my very own apartment!!! (This is also the time when I stayed at Shepherd’s Gate for 3 weeks waiting for my apartment to be ready) It was a cute “vintage” studio and I loved it! Problem was…it was on the same street were “we” lived, just much further down. However, he figured it out, when he saw my companies moving truck pulling up with my belongings. Then he started coming over and knocking on the door, he would not go away… I would tell him to leave me alone…of course he did not and of course, once again, I let him back into my life and into MY studio! Things were going OK for a little while this time around…we moved into the larger one bedroom behind the studio and I thought maybe things were finally settling down. NOT!!!! It started all over again. He would antagonize me especially during “that time of the month” – he knew that I wanted to be left alone during those time, but NO he did not “get it” – he would push my buttons until I would explode, this became a monthly “event” and it was embarrassing to say the least because our neighbors could hear everything….I would go to my Dr. because “he” would tell me that I am bi-polar, etc, etc. I never took so many drugs while I was with him..Anti-depressants, Xanax,what ever it took to help me remain “normal” according to “him.” When I went to my Dr. I told her what he said about me being “bi-polar” and she said “Cheri YOU are not bi-polar” you are NORMAL….which I course I knew that. “he” had the issues, with anger problems, trust issues, and he had been physically abused by his dad from the time he was 2 years old…I was raised pretty much in a normal family…However, I believe that anyone can overcome such issues, with the proper help, however, he always refused help.

The fourth time I left, a girlfriend helped me pack up my things and let me stay with her at her home in Discovery Bay…Again, this lasted less than 2 months…”he” followed me there and of course, once again I let him back into my life of course with the promise the “he” would change. This time around, things were better for a longer period of time, however by the summer of 2009, I had him served with a re-straining order and a notice to leave our house. Of course I was scared, I had a dear friend serve him. I worked with this person for many years, and I later learned that he used to bring his “gun” to the store “just in case” That was not fun…So he left and went to stay with friends, family etc. finally he rented a room…I got a roommate and things were starting to be a little better. Then once again….I let him back into my life, while I had a roommate…finally the roommate “abruptly’ left…till this day, I really do not understand why she left. What I do know, is that my “ex” was the one packing up all of her belongings and sending them back to TX.

I always wanted to go to counseling…he did not…I finally started going for MYSELF…then I got him to go with me, only to say he did not like the guy…WHY??? Because the counselor saw right thru him…he immediately knew that I had to leave!!! But for someone reason I just could not….I was trying to make things “RIGHT” taking responsibility…always the “people pleaser” So I found a new counselor and she was the one that really helped me. She did not tell me what to do, because deep down I ALREADY knew!!! She helped me put a “plan in place” to leave FOR GOOD!!!! It’s took me a while and I was SCARED!!! Because “he” always knew when I was planning on leaving…( there were 2 additional times when I left, however, it’s a blur to me right now.) I had to pretend everything was “OK” when I was dying inside…that was sooo hard to do.. Besides I hate lying….but I rationalized it that it was for MY SAFETY. So by the time November 1st, 2010 came around, I went to work as normal, knowing what was going to happen…I hired someone to “serve” him, a really pretty woman (I knew he would answer the door for her) and he did and the deed was done!!!! I did not go back to the house until he was gone! Three years later, I am happy, in love, have a great job, wonderful friends whom I adore and most of all my kids are PROUD of their MOM for finally leaving for good.. Hint….if your friends and family DO NOT like the person you are dating – that is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!!! Just writing this out for the first time was soooo therapeutic.. thank you for being a part of my journey.. I am STRONGER THAN I KNOW and so are you!!!! HUGS….Cheri

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