Self-Loathing…The High Price of Giving In to the Narcissist – by Kimberly Saeed

31 Jan

****Kimberly posted this article on my FB Page…Just Say NO To Toxic Relationships…I felt that it was important to share on my blog!!

Self-Loathing – The High Price of Giving In to the Narcissist
January 30, 2014 · by Kimberly Saeed · in Narcissism, Narcissistic Behaviors, Recovery from Co-Dependency, Releasing The Past, Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, The Red Flags of Narcissism. ·
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~ Pressured ~ Werebothlittlepeople

Narcissists are skillful manipulators. They swaddle us in an encouraging (yet false) intimacy to get what they want. When we don’t submit to their demands, we are met with threats, guilt-trips, and punishment. In order to avoid such uncomfortable interactions, we give in to them so we can relax into a temporary illusion of comfort and safety.

At the same time, we feel annoyed and insulted because we’ve given up our own desires to make them happy. As a result, we accumulate negative inner dialogue that’s always brewing just below the surface.

“I never stand up for myself”, “I always give them what they want, but they never compromise”, “I always let them have their way”, “When am I ever going to grow a spine and say what I mean?”, “I’m such a loser.”

You’ve Been Blackmailed

Narcissists use emotional blackmail to keep us under their control. They know we want the relationship to work and use our vulnerabilities against us. In order to gain their love and approval, we give them our compliance. For example, if you once disclosed that you felt unloved by your family, they will say they can see why. If you pride yourself on being generous, they will call you selfish and uncaring. Consequently, this becomes the foundation of the relationship. They do this to create pressure so we will acquiesce.

Emotional blackmail can be hard to detect because often the Narcissist will come across as sweet and giving. Other times, they will threaten you directly. Either way, we always carry a vague feeling of confusion and resentment. If you’ve experienced any of the following, it’s highly likely you’ve become a victim of this covert power struggle:

You are “rewarded” for giving in to their demands. This may seem like compromise in the beginning. For example, if you agree to take care of their sick parent on their behalf, they might reward you with an engagement ring. If you tell them you aren’t able to do it, they will say you aren’t “family” material.
They make it clear in no uncertain terms that they will make your life difficult if their demands are not met. Let’s say your partner is extremely jealous and wants you to dress like a schoolmarm. If you don’t follow their criteria, you will be called a whore or prostitute every day before leaving the house.
They give you the impression that their demands are reasonable and constantly threaten to end the relationship if you don’t submit. For instance, if you aren’t able to keep up with being their 24/7 caretaker, they will say you haven’t done anything and that there is a line of women just waiting to take your place.
If you apply for credit for their use, they will finally take you to meet the family.

Personal experience: When my Ex and I were newlyweds, he wanted me to accompany him to his job and sit in the car for eight hours, waiting for his shift to end. When this first started, his excuse was because of the early hours, he wasn’t able to make the one-hour drive without falling asleep. So, when I had the day off, I agreed to drive him to work and would keep myself busy for eight hours by reading and writing in his vehicle. When his schedule changed to the night shift, he would sneak me in and I’d sleep in one of the rooms that no one ever used. At this point, his line was that he couldn’t bear to be away from me.

I later realized he was extremely jealous and didn’t want me to be around anyone else, including my own friends and family. He didn’t want them to sway me in a way that would have a negative impact on our relationship. At first, I stopped accompanying him to his job. Besides, I had my own things to do. Suddenly, I was a selfish, cheating whore who didn’t care about him or the relationship whatsoever. For a while, it worked. I again put all of my other priorities on the back-burner for the purpose of letting him have his way so I would get the “good” side of him.

Sound familiar?

Make the Distinction

But what about making compromises? I don’t want to come across as being selfish.

There’s a difference between being selfish versus not establishing healthy boundaries. If your partner insists on getting their way with all the important things and always wants more no matter what, you are being emotionally blackmailed. You need to inform them that compromise implies that both parties will come away feeling satisfied, not just one. Otherwise, they will regularly assume you will give in to them.

Don’t be fooled by your blackmailer masking the truth in a way that makes you question your perception about what’s happening.

Acknowledge Your Part in It

Blackmail takes two. One person does the blackmailing, while the other person receives it. If it weren’t for our giving in to the Narcissist’s demands, they wouldn’t be able to repeatedly pull it off. There comes a time when we must stop allowing them to use our insecurities and passions against us in order to get their way. This will take a great amount of courage, especially if it’s become a normal part of the relationship dynamic.

When we cease caving in to their demands, we stop rewarding them for their actions, and effectively stop giving them permission to keep doing it.

Self-Loathing

When we repetitively make someone else more important, we begin to loathe ourselves and lose confidence. We no longer have integrity because we’ve let them take advantage of us time and again, showing them that they are more important than we are. In turn, we take out our frustrations on either ourselves or other people we care about.
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~Confusion_by_GuitarChick16

It’s one of the many reasons we have a hard time leaving the Narcissist when 1) they discard us, or 2) we’ve made the decision to end the relationship. We’ve lost our sense of identity and don’t know who we’d be without them because everything has always revolved around them for so long. We’ve allowed them to alienate us from friends and family. We feel ashamed and believe the Narcissist is the only person who will accept us.

Resolve to Change

Every time you give up your interests, your friends, and your desires in order to make the Narcissist (or anyone else) happy, you give up the core of yourself and diminish your wholeness. This can lead to a decline in mental health, manifestation of physical symptoms, less efficiency at the workplace, and the betrayal of others to placate the Narcissist.

Is one person really worth all of that? Especially when you’ve gotten nothing in return?

Ready to Receive“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others” ~ Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Happy New Year ~ 2014 is My YEAR!!!

2 Jan

Wow, 2013 just flew by…So many things have come and go in my life…I have experienced love and pain, only to find love again. One must not be afraid to love again even after being hurt…it’s part of life. It’s through these experiences, that I have grown as a woman. You really never know what is going to happen or when. While things do end and no one is at fault, it’s just part of the process or journey that we are on. It’s the new beginnings that come out of left field. It’s like GOD was telling me something…take a chance…what have you got to lose? You just may have everything to gain!

I am starting 2014 happy and ready to experience life to the fullest!!!! I see a lot of positive changes coming my way this year!!! I will finally get my first book “Stronger Than I Know” published…I see myself moving and so much more. GOD has known all along where I am meant to go and who I am meant to share my life with…It’s always in the unexpected that miracles happen.

I have NO regrets only beautiful memories…I choose to move on happy and full of joy!!! I will Always SMILE no matter what I am going thru…This does not mean I don’t cry because trust me…I have and I do! However, tears for me….cleanses me, it releases things I have bottled up…which I know I should not do, however, sometimes it’s better to wait for the right moment to say something, then to blurt out something you will regret later.

My goal for 2014 is to live my life with PASSION! Embrace everything with PASSION! Pursue my dreams with PASSION! Love with PASSION!!!

May 2014 bring you your hearts desire as you do deserve to have the BEST of everything!!! Thank you for being a part of my journey…it will continue!!!

HUGS and LOVE

Cheri

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My One Word For 2014

29 Dec

For 2014 – I will choose to live my life w/Passion!!!! What is your word?

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2014 Is Going To Be My Year…

29 Dec

With 2014 right around the corner…what are your goals for the new year???? Me. ….I want to take Just say NO to Toxic Relationships to the next level…I have no idea what the looks like at this moment which is exciting…I want to publish my first poetry book…”Stronger Than I Know”…I want to continue to encourage and inspire people to thrive after leaving a toxic relationship. I want to travel…start book 2, continue my journey about learning about me…understand my value in this world…create lasting and loving relationships….live my life with PASSION…what about you? Would love to hear….HUGS and LOVE ~ Cheri

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I Know This Applies To You…

8 Dec

I Know This Applies To You

A good woman is proud of herself. She respects herself and others. She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with, or does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs. A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration, a dabble of endurance. She knows that she will, at times, have to inspire others to reach the potential God gave them. A good woman knows her past, understands her present and moves toward the future. A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her playground, but without God she will just be played. A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons, meant to bring her closer to self knowledge and unconditional self love.

Girl….. Smile

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It’s Time You Let Go…

22 Nov

WOW….the messages this week have been sooooo strong….possibly leading me in a different direction….

Today, Cheri, we believe God wants you to know that …

It’s time you let go.

Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, – it’s all in God’s hands, – has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.

What are you holding on too???? Me…..I don’t know anymore…family, friends, relationships, jobs, dreams, my insecurities…only GOD knows…he knows what I need and what I don’t need. All I know is that I need to have more “faith in being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

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Trusting Again…

12 Nov

Trusting Again
Written By: Cheri Coleman
11-12-2013

Trusting again…a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something
How do you know when you are ready to trust again?
I believe that I am ready when I can be my true authentic self with the person that I love…
And they can be their true authentic self with me…
Why are we afraid to trust?
I know for me…there have been so many hurts, betrayals, and uncertainties
Or could it just be my own insecurities?
What are you afraid of?
Me…I am afraid of being hurt…I am afraid of not measuring up…I am afraid of being judged
You…are afraid of the same…
Trusting again….how does one begin to trust?
Faith is a big part of trust…
Without faith, there is no trust…
When you fall in love, there is faith and there is trust…
Love is trusting…that the other person has your best interest at heart
Love is trusting…that your past is your past, it is not who you are today
Love is trusting…when you can be together and do absolutely nothing!
Trusting again… a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something

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Copyright 2013 © Cheri Coleman

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